Mistress Rosie’s Guide To Channel Surfing


The Remote Control - IMG_3932

The Remote Control – IMG_3932 (Photo credit: jeroen020)

 

It Occurs to me that some Asswhores don’t apply the proper Rules of Etiquette when Channel Surfing. As per the Usual, I have written them for your dumbasses, just to make your life, and hopefully the lives of those around you a wee bit easier.

 

MISTRESS ROSIE’S GUIDE TO CHANNEL SURFING

 

1. NEVER Stop on an Infomercial and tell your partner that she should have a body like Christie Brinkley. You aren’t exactly CHUCK NORRIS, either, you Rat Bastard.

 

2. If you come across a well stacked woman , DO NOT turn to your partner and ask her if she would like a set of HOOTERS like that.

 

3. Don’t stop on a marathon of Happy Days and start repeating The Ralph Malph jokes, DON’T DO IT.

 

4. If you Find Reruns of Three’s Company on somewhere, don’t start saying, “Boy, I wish I could be in Jack Tripper‘s Shoe’s”. Dumbass, John Ritter is DEAD, and if you keep pissing off your mate, you might be too.

 

5. When you are watching sports, and your children are sleeping, screaming so damn loud every time someone scores or fouls. She shot daggers at you with her eyes the last time you woke up the baby, the next time the daggers may not come from her eyes.

 

6. If you have seen the movie before, don’t be a douche and give away the ending.

 

7. Don’t send her to the Kitchen to make you a sandwich, then turn the channel, only to tell her when she returns that her show has gone off. Do you think she is stupid?

 

8. Don’t watch depressing shit when you are depressed, it just makes it worse.

 

9. If you are too drunk to operate a phone, you are too drunk to Channel Surf.  You will Most Likely pass out in the chair with a six pack, drooling, all alone, with Fox News.

 

10. Just Give Her The Remote Already.

 

 

 

STRAWBERRY


A strawberry Français : une fraise Galego: un ...

A strawberry Français : une fraise Galego: un amorodo Italiano: una fragola Español: una fresa Nederlands: een aardbei Svenska: en jordgubbe (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

Boil, Boil

 

All This

 

Toil and Trouble

 

Tell Me

 

How Does Your Vein

 

BLOW

 

With a Shot Of

 

SMACK

 

Or Maybe Some

 

CRACK

 

What shall it

 

Be Today

 

Toking

 

Smoking

 

Snorting

 

Shooting

 

How High

 

Will You

 

Get Today

 

Son Of a Bitch

 

What’s That

 

You Scream

 

All Out Of Junk

 

Get Out There

 

And Shake Your

 

MONEY MAKER

 

I’m  Sure Daddy

 

Is Hungry

 

For a Juicy

 

STRAWBERRY

 

 

 

 

 

Netted Fish


Big Brother 2000 (UK)

Big Brother 2000 (UK) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

Praise Be To Orwell

 

The Visions he wrote

Made Him an Immortal Literary Prophet

 

Warning us of Big Brother

 

Perhaps I should Doublethink

 

The next line I write

 

In the fear I might be committing

 

A virtual thoughtcrime

 

They are watching  us

 

For the Greater Good

 

Caught In a Memory Hole

 

We are Part of their vortex

 

Online, a fish on a line,

 

Reeling Us In with their lures

 

Baited, we have no choice

 

A Netted Fish has no Freedom

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Blessed Mother


Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (season 6)

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (season 6) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Just watching an episode of SVU

Trying to Unwind from a long day

They pulled up outside her door

They needed to confiscate her laptop

Wait a minute, this was happening on TV

Part of an ongoing investigation they explained

I am blessed for the blurring surrealism that night

Though angst ridden as our relationship has been

My daughter and I were given the chance to have one

Due to the hard work of the men and women in blue

Jaded Soul


Jaded

Jaded (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

JADED SOUL

I have lived for centuries
I have lived for one day
I have lived long enough
To be a Jaded Soul

I have loved
I have lost
I have won
I have laughed
I have cried
I am jaded

People come
People go
Lovers love
Haters hate
I am jaded

I once had it all
I was oblivious
I couldn’t see
I lost everything
In one fell swoop
I am a Jaded Soul

Ode to Dick Clark


Publicity photo of American Bandstand host Dic...

Publicity photo of American Bandstand host Dick Clark. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Giving us Rock and Roll in Philly

Spinning records five days a week

You helped to usher in a youth culture

Revolutionizing the music industry

Desegregating it for the racist bigots

Knowing that Music is truly colorblind

Then it was the Wild Surf Scene out west

Giving us a whole new beat to dance to

Through it all you rocked out forever young

Through the years on  American Bandstand

 

Six O’Clock News


A bulletin presented by Sue Lawley and Nichola...

A bulletin presented by Sue Lawley and Nicholas Witchell. The bulletin design was in use from 1984–1993. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Masters of Delusion

Grand puppetry

In the show of shows

Sit  yourself down

The show’s about to start

You won’t want to miss this

Truly a breathtaking spectacle

Yes ladies and gents get ready

Behold a treat for the eyes and ears

Full of intrigue, murder, suspense

Not to mention wars, riots, and idiots galore

Hurry up, it’s time for the six o’clock news

 

The Real Eunuchs of Beverly Hills


Having financially dominated their husbands to the hilt and rendering them to nothing more than Trophy Husbands who spit out money like ATM machines, Sharon, Mary, Patti, and Nancy were meeting for lunch one day when they spotted one of their neutered husbands strolling down the street with me.

“Patti, that  looked an awful lot like your husband , Graham, walking down the street with that leather clad woman,” Nancy chided, sipping on her glass of wine.

“Don’t be silly. Graham knows we have to keep up appearances for our TV Reality show, ” Patti said, trying to explain it away.

Patti knew the truth. Her husband Graham was walking down the street with his Mistress.  Their marriage was a complete sham and they were staying together so that Patti could have her fifteen minutes of fame , so to speak. Patti could not give her husband what he needed, and yearned for. Sure . she was a money hungry bitch, but she lacked the soul and depth it to took to provide proper guidance and discipline that a man in power needs to help him unwind through a Total Power Exchange. Graham was Owned by his Mistress, and was getting tired of living the lie with Patti.

That evening at home Patti confronted Graham and a heated altercation of words ensued.

“How dare you parade your whore up and down Rodeo Drive for everyone to see. I have a reputation in this town!” Patti shrieked like a harpee.

“First of all, she is not my whore. I am her whore.  I will do what ever she suggests to relieve my stress. I work for a living, unlike you who simply spends every last dime I make.  You give me nothing in return and she sustains me. I owe her my existence, because of her I am reading for parts again, my self esteem and confidence have returned.”

“I demand you sever all ties with this woman at once if you want to keep me. You better think long and hard about this, because we will lose our Reality TV Show if this shit gets out you kinky son of a bitch!”Patti screamed desperately.

“Patti, look the show ran its’ course.  Now it is time to bury it  along with our marriage. Oh, don’t worry, I will give you a nice little settlement. I just want my life back. I need to work, and my mistress has me ready to do that.”

Graham and Patti did divorce, and she lost her little Reality TV show, so sad. Graham now has an acting gig for a cable network.

A Powerful Mistress can and will bring a man back to life….