I used to wallow in my pain, I loved it. It gave me an excuse to continue my bad behavior. Self pity, self loathing, addictions, and filling my mind and body full of wasteful things.
While it is true I have suffered a great deal of abuse, physically, sexually and mentally, it is what I choose to do with that pain that victimizes me today. I seek recovery and well being today. I can look into my past, perhaps revisit, but if I choose to live in it, then I am not going to live up to my full potential today. I will continue to be sick. If you have an infection you seek medical treatment, take the appropriate antibiotics, and the healing process begins. Soul Sickness isn’t any different.
Admitting you have a problem maybe the hardest step of all. No one is bad. Bad things happen to good people all the time. Once you have diagnosed the problem you can begin to work on yourself . I personally prayed for enlightenment, but my journey was a long one. There are other avenues out there to help you on your road to recovery. such as:
* Self Help Books and Groups
*12 Step Programs
* Local Social Service Agencies
A big part of my journey was becoming comfortable with myself. This is essential when you are using your pain to turn your life around. I am a well endowed woman, with a rather well rounded bottom. My hair has always been coarse. When I was nineteen years old I was married to a twenty one year old white man. I had a still born son. It broke my heart. My son was born black. I have never been racist, but was still shocked, and had never cheated on my husband at the time. My father, actually my maternal grandfather, finally told me that his mother was the daughter of a slave and slave master. He asked me not to tell, as his wife didn’t know. Sometimes I still cry for my poor Daddy. Imagine living a lie, to have to “pass” as a white man in your own home.
It has honestly taken me quite a few years to come to terms with all the labels society has given me, Incest Survivor, Domestic Violence Survivor, Cancer Survivor, Rape Survivor. BBW. African-American, and of course my favourite Goddess Lisa.